Artist’s Way

A Long Stretch of Rest

I’ve been aware that I haven’t been writing on this blog in a spell. Looks like the last post was about a week ago.

I was inspired by the vision of the Day of Rest. I told some people about it at a party, and they said, “We’re in!” Maybe it’s time to go ahead and set that up . . .

I have visions to fulfill!

While I haven’t been writing here, I did have a few or more busy days with moving hither and yon and several really sweet and awesome, engaging events. At one of them, I got to facilitate a room full of partiers into resting. We also doodled, which, for a moment, brought the room to silence, until the wonderful eruption of sharing when I split them into small groups to show what they’d made.

Then I even got to perform some songs, what with another guitar player, a backup singer and a microphone. I’m growing!

me singingI’m writing this now from bed where I’m lounging nice and late and I’m swishing oil all around my mouth.

I am also writing from my #writercation. I set up some guidelines for myself at the start of this thing. I’m focused on getting my book ready to go to the publisher in mid-September. It’s bringing up lots of excitement, doubts and fears. But mostly good stuff. I’m also making room for all the other stuff . . .

writercation mind map

. . . journaling lists of fears and concerns, just to get ’em out . . . contemplating when I’ve felt that feeling before. Good stuff!

One section of the book I wrote yesterday talked about how I discovered doodling to be __________ and then I inserted all these descriptive words. But I decided last night that I don’t want to tell my readers how to feel. I’ll be happy to have them discover that for themselves.

This morning I’m happy, as always, for the touchstone of the Trust Rest blog. There is lots of resting during this #writercation, too, and lots of following my creative bliss. I feel very fortunate and hope to present many more awesome reports along the way. And I know that I can be exactly as I am, moment to moment, and if I need a chance to rest with that, this page is a great place to do so.

With gratitude,

Carina x

Prioritizing the Book

Today was the first day in too long that I have written my Morning Pages. I wrote one extra today. I had a lot to get off my chest, to sort, to contemplate.

I’m getting an impulse that occurs as both necessary and somewhat challenging for me.

I want to prioritize getting my book of doodle prompts to market. I have so many thoughts and fears that are coming up in the face of this, but it feels really important. It feels like a priority. And so my feeling is to pull back from naysayers and distractions.

I have thoughts like, “I can’t do it,” that could apply to everything. When I took the Landmark Advanced Course in 2007, I distinguished my “act”. This is like the automatic place I go. The place that will always stop me if I listen to it. The place that will take me out when things are just getting good. My act is: “I can’t do it.”

From there we also did some major clearing and distinguished the possibility we’re living into (as opposed to living from the act). Mine is the possibility of devotion.

I like coming back to that from time to time because I can still live into its relevance.

And devotion seems to have an object. Right now my object of devotion, if I’m looking in terms of my doodle prompt book, is devotion to those in the world who are wanting to be more creative, and those who are wanting to do so on their own time.

This past weekend I held my free on-line doodle birthday party, and, strangely and to my surprise, I’ve been depressed ever since.

I’m feeling like 1) I want to do less on-line. Like maybe do some 1:1 calls, but really not much; and 2) I need more time with the reluctant folks; and 3) I just don’t fucking want to play with the ones who are going to be difficult. I’d rather have them buy the book/s and go sort it out on their own. I’m sick of working with people I have to fight with. In fact, I made a doodle of that and a sample page from the book. It’s in the car right now, or I’d take a picture and show you.

And it may or may not seem like it, but this entire thing is relevant to trusting rest. Morning Pages are restful and guiding. Meditation is restful and is on my to-do list twice today. I got some great relief from it last night, as well. And tucking in and following guidance while life may continue to be coming at me in ways that occur as scary or I-don’t-know-how (which is the cousin of I-can’t-do-it). I heard someone say the other day to just act as if you’re someone who knows how to do the thing you think you don’t know how to do. That sounds good, too.

I feel at the heart of this will be the meditation, rest and visualization. Along with doodling, along with exploration, along with reaching out (don’t isolate, Carina, but also choose carefully with whom you share!), along with steps big and small, resting and quieting and paying attention to the internal state is key.

Trust rest & stay tuned.

Starting on The War of Art

I’ve read just the tiniest little bit of The War of Art. I have it checked out from the library for a few more days, and with a little focus, I could crank through it. And when the mind has all the reasons not to, isn’t that its case in point?

The book is about resistance. And about the just-do-it-ness in creating.

So as I sat in front of the computer to order a negative ion bracelet for my right arm (white, to match my new Birks), I thought about making a blog post here. And I heard a familiar and faint, “I don’t want to. I don’t feel like it. I’m tired.”

It was so faint, I almost took it to be absolute, and then the next thought must have been the memory of sitting on the loo, reading about getting down to it versus not.

I know how easy it is for me to write once I start to do it. It’s as natural as talking, and maybe a little wiser. And maybe not a little wiser. But easy. And a little less embarrassing.

As I’ve said before, sometimes the restful thing to do IS to do the things that there are to do. Rather than hanging out in the anxiety of I’m supposed to be doing something or there’s still more to be done before I can fully rest. Or whatever. A stream of thoughts typed out on a screen while the yappy neighbor dogs chrotle in their excitement at a canine passing by, and I am just happy that it’s 6:01 p.m. and not a.m. as their yelps and slice through the quiet afternoon.

To go ahead and do the things can be the restful thing to do. A ritual, although daily sometimes takes come umph, yields good results.

bday doodle

Here is a page of my doodles from my on-line birthday party doodle fest this morning. I am glad I was called to uncover them and have a look. Sweet faces, honest expressions, rest, creating, compulsing, visioning. Feeling good.

Resisting A Rest

Okay.

Well, we also know that the moment changes. That it comes as it goes, often leaving no trace.

So I’ve had a few things on my mind today. Does it matter if I list them? I don’t know. I’ll give you a few categories (see if any of this sounds 1) familiar to you or 2) familiar cuz it’s my blog you’re still reading, and you’ve seen it here before):

– relationship
– phone bill
– places to sleep

So the day was going well. Morning Pages after a pretty good sleep. The first kind of reasonable bedtime for my system in several days. Authentic Relating games hosted by a friend of mine at a Law of Attraction Meetup. It was awesome. A sweet, sweet phone call with my little sister (from Big Brothers, Big Sisters) whom I haven’t spoken with in ages and who is six months pregnant at 21, and she’s awesome.

And maybe it was just one of those days (well, I guess it was) where certain emotions and contemplations have been coming up. I’ve been trying not to get too trapped in the circles of “I’m fucked up” because of x, y, or the possibility that maybe z. But sometimes the worries arise.

So what if I’m resisting arrest? What if I don’t feel like resting?

Resting came to mind in the first place because at the AR games this morning, we played a game called guru in which each person acted as the guru for a few minutes and answered questions from fellow participants. Something I’ve become aware of in myself lately (and I guess it’s come up before, like when Ron Satija said that I didn’t need to quote other teachers on the Stay Open blog — this must have been around 2010 or 11. That people were coming there to read what I had to say, and that was what they believed in and wanted, and that I had the authority myself) is that I seem to take a one-down position, quote someone else, act as if I’m a youngster who has not grown into the teaching role yet. And not like I’m feeling haughty about now understanding this role as it’s coming through. It’s almost more humble, if I’m allowed to say humble, because it’s more natural. It’s more what is called for. I’m deeply steeped in everything that I experience and turn around and share with the world: resting, inquiry, creativity. There is, without a doubt, wisdom and expertise, learned and continually revealing itself, from an on-the-court life.

So anyway . . . I was thinking about the guru game and I thought, after noticing that my phone bill is overdue, and whatever sensations were going in my body and memories or fantasies that also had me thinking of a love conundrum and an as yet undiscovered place to stay on Friday and Saturday nights, I thought, “What would the guru say?”

Well, rest, of course.

Duh.

Which isn’t to say don’t act at all. But rest first. And what is rest? It is a lack of denial. It is feeling directly and saying directly. It’s taking a moment to stop and really sample the immediate experience. I made a small FB post in a manifesting group I’m in, to reveal the contrast, to get the breakdown out of my head and simply into the what’s-so-for-me-in-the-moment.

And my thoughts came in, like the adolescent voice that sometimes comes out to play (and I love and support it), and said, What if I don’t want to rest?

And you know what? That was fine too. I wrote that FB post and started to feel better. I made a few phone calls and put a little action into motion. Whether they have linear effects or not, I don’t know and kind of don’t care. There’s this weird paradox I’m noticing that being in action seems to matter, even simple (especially simple), small steps. But that the steps are not necessarily what lead [logically*]  to the outcome, even though that outcome is often still achieved. It’s like pulling a nob on one part of the Universe, and another part responds, as if unconnected, but of course, connected.

Then a little while ago, I got a text message that really moved me and I had a nice loose cry. And that’s when I saw that this might just be a moment when emotion was needing to come through, and it just used relationship, phone bill and places to sleep as its surf boards. I feel better. The scanning for answers and comprehension surfed away on my tears without words on them.

You know, we rest when we do. We doodle when we do. We are tense when we are. We are easy when we are. The immediacy and truth of the moment is the paradoxical mystical gateway into our hearts’ infinite kingdoms. Go figure.

_ _ _ _ _ _

* totally getting that logic is completely made up lately, too.

Writing Mother’s Day

It’s Mother’s Day today. I dreamed about my mother last night. It was very emotional. Also, after peeing around 0700, I slept until almost 11. I woke up with my eyes super puffy and almost didn’t recognize myself when I went to the mirror to lavish myself with love, appreciation and approval.

Then, after Morning Pages, I got all wild while looking at Facebook (of course). I felt such an urge to write, write, write. I took a day off yesterday from my 1000 words. I was glad enough to do so, although if I’d been more awake last night, I could have written. I have so much coming through right now.

Meanwhile, I’m here at the Tree House whose next renter arrives tomorrow. I’ve been doing a bit of cleaning each day the past few days (see 10s, below), but I don’t really feel like I’m making a dent in it. I mean, I’m still living and sleeping and showering and eating in here. I guess I just make a mess.

I could spend all day cleaning today, but I must write. I must. I must. I am.

I have thoughts like Writer seeks place to write. And I dig the excitement of finally feeling like I want to spend as much time as I feel writing today. The writer who got cut off by the college teacher in 1989 is finally re-emerging, and it’s awesome.

Today may have been the first day that I had such a direct craving.

Now I can hear the mother (grandmother) in the back yard next door who’s talking on the phone. Makes me realize how I must be heard when I’m out here, too.

Anyway, the reason a permanent wonderful home is right for me is that I don’t want to spend my time/energy/direction cleaning the house and packing up my shit again to move. I want to write.

And so, right now, I am. (A wee puff helps. I’ll say it.)

This morning's Morning Pages inspired doodle. Yes, I.

This morning’s Morning Pages inspired doodle. Yes, I.

I did talk to my mom, by the way. I feel better and also . . . I feel. Lots to feel on this day and tons of words to be written. See you soon! xx

Love, Love

I’m so crazy tired, my darlings, and have been wanting to write here since I woke up this morning. But not I’m so tired that I don’t have it in me to tell you all about that. I’ll save it for another day.

I am feeling better, thought not entirely, from my sickness, and I’ve been going and going all day today. It’s all good. I’m doing things I love, but man, tiiiird.

I have a full day tomorrow, too, but it involves taking an artist date to go look at a small house out in the country that caught my eye and receiving an inquiry session in the afternoon where I’ll realllllly get to rest. Mmmmm thank you ahead of time.

I’m gonna leave this here for tonight with big love coming your way from me.

More soon. Love, love. x

Writing, Writing, Writing! Resting, and Writing!

Hi sweethearts!

I so want to be writing/posting here a little more often, but life is happening as it’s happening. I am in the midst of a writing class that has me cranking out 1000 words a day (I’m writing on creativity, doodling, rest, you know, all that jazz), and especially since I’ve been sick, I simply do as much as I can, and that’s that.

It’s been a relief to back off of everything, but, at the same time, I love my everythings and want to do them!

Today is my first day that I’ve been in one place and not had moving hanging over my head in what seems like ages. Ever since the sickness came on, I’ve had to get up and prepare to move every single day. This morning was like Heaven, waking up and knowing I didn’t have to be anywhere. I didn’t have to change the bed and clean the toilet. I didn’t have to cancel or reschedule anything (though that’s on my list to do). I just got to be.

So I wrote my Morning Pages and I swished my oil (first time since getting sick — hooray!) and I listened to a sweet talk by Mike Dooley who inspired me to do mini visioning sessions before starting projects. So I did that and envisioned my Reader Avatar that I’m creating for my writing class (and so I know whom I’m addressing when I work on my book and those 1000 word bits). And I have discovered her. Her name’s Lily and she’s 34 and is super fun and awesome.

And I’m feeling tired and headachy and am sort of ready to wind down again. But first, I’ll crank out my 1000. I have lots to stay on the topic of creativity, though especially since the head cold or whatever this ick is, it takes a little something extra to get the words out.

No matter. Trusting rest is trusting the making of the “shitty first draft” as Anne Lamott and other writers recommend. That feels awesome, in a strange way.

Trusting rest is trusting my own wisdom. Trusting rest is enjoying being the writer that I’ve always been. Trusting rest is not fretting if I miss a day or two here or there and knowing that all is well and perfectly unfolding exactly as it is.

I’m so appreciative of this blog as the touchstone that it is. It will surely inform those 1000 word outpourings, as it has already.

So from my getting-better-slowly-but-surely bed, I say, I’ll see you soon and I love you so much.

xx