Ripple in Still Water

I just had a profound experience that I feel like sharing somewhere. Might as well stick it on my bloggy, right?

I have been learning to play and sing the quintessentially beloved Grateful Dead song, Ripple. I have been feeling some stress/melancholy the past few days, today included. All is well. I gave myself a chance to express.

On a whim, I made a YouTube video of myself singing the song.

In my Landmark Success Seminar, this week I’ve taken on expanding my success in the world of looking good. That is, I have taken on that even though life is always about looking good, I don’t have to be ruled by that. So in this video, I look a little stoned, flat, chinny. Lol. But I didn’t change it or try to make another one where I look better.

I uploaded it directly. I sent it off to my sweetheart for whom I’ve been longing to the point of a tummy ache. Repression sucks. Holding out for the sake of looking good sucks.

I want, more than anything, to be known, and yet it occurs as scary for me. But I am living in the possibility of taking risks, in the most positive way. It’s a theme I keep hearing around me. Life is supporting this direction of exploration.

And nudging me like that. So anyway, I made the video and sent it off the the wayward love and then watched it. Yesterday I’d turned on the auto-play switch on YouTube while listening to some Abraham videos. Today, after my version of Ripple, up came the Grateful Dead’s version of it from two weeks ago at the Fare The Well shows. I hadn’t seen or heard it, but I had been inspired by those shows and the energy around them to learn to play the song.

I loved that the next video in line after mine was that one. It was extremely moving AND now that I know how to play the song and had my guitar in my hand already, I was able to play along. I felt like I was there with the people and that we are all — including the band — still very connected. The clarity (again and again) that this deal is WAY MORE THAN JUST A BAND moved me to tears, which are always a relief.

I’m proud of myself for giving up looking good today. For telling my dude that my stomach hurt with missing him and showing him the stoney, chinny video.

I was rewarded with that deep Grateful Dead connection and access to my place amongst it all.

I’ve been fighting a lot with my state of being and my obsessions these last days, and it’s so uncomfortable. I’m relieved to be feeling at peace right now.

Also I’m committed to working on something today that seems so scary, but it can’t possibly be. Resting, exploring resistance, loving myself tenderly, and seeing what comes. There’s no rush today. It’s important, but I can breathe.

Prioritizing the Book

Today was the first day in too long that I have written my Morning Pages. I wrote one extra today. I had a lot to get off my chest, to sort, to contemplate.

I’m getting an impulse that occurs as both necessary and somewhat challenging for me.

I want to prioritize getting my book of doodle prompts to market. I have so many thoughts and fears that are coming up in the face of this, but it feels really important. It feels like a priority. And so my feeling is to pull back from naysayers and distractions.

I have thoughts like, “I can’t do it,” that could apply to everything. When I took the Landmark Advanced Course in 2007, I distinguished my “act”. This is like the automatic place I go. The place that will always stop me if I listen to it. The place that will take me out when things are just getting good. My act is: “I can’t do it.”

From there we also did some major clearing and distinguished the possibility we’re living into (as opposed to living from the act). Mine is the possibility of devotion.

I like coming back to that from time to time because I can still live into its relevance.

And devotion seems to have an object. Right now my object of devotion, if I’m looking in terms of my doodle prompt book, is devotion to those in the world who are wanting to be more creative, and those who are wanting to do so on their own time.

This past weekend I held my free on-line doodle birthday party, and, strangely and to my surprise, I’ve been depressed ever since.

I’m feeling like 1) I want to do less on-line. Like maybe do some 1:1 calls, but really not much; and 2) I need more time with the reluctant folks; and 3) I just don’t fucking want to play with the ones who are going to be difficult. I’d rather have them buy the book/s and go sort it out on their own. I’m sick of working with people I have to fight with. In fact, I made a doodle of that and a sample page from the book. It’s in the car right now, or I’d take a picture and show you.

And it may or may not seem like it, but this entire thing is relevant to trusting rest. Morning Pages are restful and guiding. Meditation is restful and is on my to-do list twice today. I got some great relief from it last night, as well. And tucking in and following guidance while life may continue to be coming at me in ways that occur as scary or I-don’t-know-how (which is the cousin of I-can’t-do-it). I heard someone say the other day to just act as if you’re someone who knows how to do the thing you think you don’t know how to do. That sounds good, too.

I feel at the heart of this will be the meditation, rest and visualization. Along with doodling, along with exploration, along with reaching out (don’t isolate, Carina, but also choose carefully with whom you share!), along with steps big and small, resting and quieting and paying attention to the internal state is key.

Trust rest & stay tuned.