A profound question is coming for me today.
I am more and more noticing when there is a lack of restful feeling — when I am acting in a state of resistance, as it were. Doesn’t feel flowing. Feels fearful, stressful, pushing.
There is rationalization of it, but that is what I’m here to question.
I don’t think I wrote about it last summer, but there was this one day . . .
I was taking a Landmark seminar called Success. I surely wrote during some of that. In it, we were breaking down all of the inherited ideas of success and creating freshly for ourselves as individuals. I saw that success for me was in part a relaxed belly. Yes. Lack of tension.
And then this one day, I had woken up feeling tense, thinking I needed to pressure myself to keep working on my book (which has now been long released and I’m about to publish the next one, so, I guess there was no stress necessary). I thought about our seminar homework for that past week (as we were heading back to class that night), and remembered the assignment to act as if we were already successful. Oh, also a friend sent me a little Abraham meditation that helped begin the shift as I lie on my friend’s couch where I’d spent the night.
So, I looked to see how my day would look if I was coming from success, and I immediately knew that it meant I was going 100% on instinct and guidance. That money and other resources were well handled, and that I could not make a wrong turn. Well there’s lots of detail, but the short of it is, I followed my instincts to their subtlest guidance. And I was impressively guided to run into the person I most wanted to see — far from where we’d ever seen each other before, in a place I wouldn’t have expected either one of us to be.
It was a little freaky but also clear as day. This is what Abraham energy is like. This is finding out that I can 1000% be trusted.
So . . . fast forward to today. I’ve definitely had many times since then when I’ve driven against the energy of what feels natural, when I’ve forced or pressured. Sometimes it was because I already had an agreement to do something. I may have been kicked out of my home at the time had I blown off what didn’t feel good. But you know what? I lived under an inauthentic nervousness a lot of the time I was there anyway, knowing that I could get kicked out at any minute anyway. What kind of way to live is that?
To be fair, it was like a background concern, so often I wasn’t even that present to it. And there were many, many good moments in that house. But what if I had been 1000% true, always?
And what about now?
This afternoon I’m working on some final reading/edits for my new book, Doodle Book Junior. I was feeling so tired after lunch, on a hot Texas summer afternoon, and I just felt to rest, but I was resisting it, feeling that inner “better push” sensation (something worth turning toward and having a look — is that sensation literally saying, “better push?” I will have a look). Then some friends of the homeowners stopped by and I told them I was feeling really tired but wanted to work on the book, and I asked them what they would do, both being artists and writers.
They both said: Take a nap.
What’s happening is I’m reprogramming myself to access the benevolence of the Universe. I am re-wiring the parts of myself, my nervous system, whatever, that live on edge, in fear, not able to fully give in to the flow. It’s a beautiful thing and feels high time.
I’m not saying I’ll get over the people pleasing thing right away or the fear of losing a home. In the meantime, I will hope to support myself so well in general that it’s not as hard to do the things that carry some resistance. But I’m more and more aware of this old belief that things have to be hard or lowly or not the way I prefer them in order to have my basic needs (let alone better) met. Man. It’s so great to have this come forward.
What if *I* can really be trusted?
That life can unfold – and unfold well – in a laid back, easy, harmonious and fun way? That it is, and that my impression of this on the formless stuff is what creates my world?
I’m curious on this topic and feel called to test it even further. It will take introspection, paying attention, resting, taking what seem like risks, following the joy of my being, allowing the joy of my being, and enjoying the rewards.
Feels great to write!