What If *I* Can Be Trusted?

A profound question is coming for me today.

I am more and more noticing when there is a lack of restful feeling — when I am acting in a state of resistance, as it were. Doesn’t feel flowing. Feels fearful, stressful, pushing.

There is rationalization of it, but that is what I’m here to question.

I don’t think I wrote about it last summer, but there was this one day . . .

I was taking a Landmark seminar called Success. I surely wrote during some of that. In it, we were breaking down all of the inherited ideas of success and creating freshly for ourselves as individuals. I saw that success for me was in part a relaxed belly. Yes. Lack of tension.

And then this one day, I had woken up feeling tense, thinking I needed to pressure myself to keep working on my book (which has now been long released and I’m about to publish the next one, so, I guess there was no stress necessary). I thought about our seminar homework for that past week (as we were heading back to class that night), and remembered the assignment to act as if we were already successful. Oh, also a friend sent me a little Abraham meditation that helped begin the shift as I lie on my friend’s couch where I’d spent the night.

So, I looked to see how my day would look if I was coming from success, and I immediately knew that it meant I was going 100% on instinct and guidance. That money and other resources were well handled, and that I could not make a wrong turn. Well there’s lots of detail, but the short of it is, I followed my instincts to their subtlest guidance. And I was impressively guided to run into the person I most wanted to see — far from where we’d ever seen each other before, in a place I wouldn’t have expected either one of us to be.

It was a little freaky but also clear as day. This is what Abraham energy is like. This is finding out that I can 1000% be trusted.

So . . . fast forward to today. I’ve definitely had many times since then when I’ve driven against the energy of what feels natural, when I’ve forced or pressured. Sometimes it was because I already had an agreement to do something. I may have been kicked out of my home at the time had I blown off what didn’t feel good. But you know what? I lived under an inauthentic nervousness a lot of the time I was there anyway, knowing that I could get kicked out at any minute anyway. What kind of way to live is that?

To be fair, it was like a background concern, so often I wasn’t even that present to it. And there were many, many good moments in that house. But what if I had been 1000% true, always?

And what about now?

This afternoon I’m working on some final reading/edits for my new book, Doodle Book Junior. I was feeling so tired after lunch, on a hot Texas summer afternoon, and I just felt to rest, but I was resisting it, feeling that inner “better push” sensation (something worth turning toward and having a look — is that sensation literally saying, “better push?” I will have a look). Then some friends of the homeowners stopped by and I told them I was feeling really tired but wanted to work on the book, and I asked them what they would do, both being artists and writers.

They both said: Take a nap.

What’s happening is I’m reprogramming myself to access the benevolence of the Universe. I am re-wiring the parts of myself, my nervous system, whatever, that live on edge, in fear, not able to fully give in to the flow. It’s a beautiful thing and feels high time.

I’m not saying I’ll get over the people pleasing thing right away or the fear of losing a home. In the meantime, I will hope to support myself so well in general that it’s not as hard to do the things that carry some resistance. But I’m more and more aware of this old belief that things have to be hard or lowly or not the way I prefer them in order to have my basic needs (let alone better) met. Man. It’s so great to have this come forward.

What if *I* can really be trusted?

That life can unfold – and unfold well – in a laid back, easy, harmonious and fun way? That it is, and that my impression of this on the formless stuff is what creates my world?

I’m curious on this topic and feel called to test it even further. It will take introspection, paying attention, resting, taking what seem like risks, following the joy of my being, allowing the joy of my being, and enjoying the rewards.

Feels great to write!

In bed

I was so proud of myself last night. I was falling well asleep in front of the tv so I got right in bed at 9:30 and slept. I stayed sleeping – minus one pee break – for more than 12 hours.

Now I’m here in bed feeling spaced out, sleepy, probably hungry, and a little nervous.

How do I finish my book in the next two days when all I’m doing is sleeping & everything but working on the book?

I became aware a few days ago of the major pressure I was putting on myself and how sad that was making me feel. It was unkind.

As I shared in my last post, I’m noticing a departure from trusting rest as I come to the end of this project. There’s all sorts of internal argument & I’m just so sleepy.

I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon that may require some waiting, and that may be a good time to work.

Also I promptly lost my War of Art Book as soon as I bought it, which is all about meeting and working around this resistance. And I just feel like going back to sleep.

It feels so good . . . So absent of resistance.

I’m digging this exploration, even as little shame gremlins are wandering around in my psyche too.

I swear, I could sleep some more. This is uncommon for me. Typically about eight hours is my best effort.

Trusting rest, typing this from my cellphone in bed, hearing soothing sounds of Yoga Radio on Pandora, taking the day off from email and Facebook to give my psyche a break from comparison and other people’s opinions or requests . . .

I love myself here in this little nest. And I believe in the book project and it being ready at the perfect moment.

What are you up to today?

Update . . .

I’ve been focused on the new book and not as focused on this blog since I passed my 365th post, but it’s been coming back to mind a lot lately.

This is a quick phone post, so I’ll be brief. So consider this:

What if there are no decisions to be made today, but only following the simple impulses, moment by moment?

I’m finishing the 365 Days of Doodling book, and I’ve noticed some stress/strain/breath-holding tendencies.

But I didn’t spend a year loyally trusting rest to ditch it & stress out and pressure myself to have this book come forth. Trusting Rest got me this far. Let’s keep going.

Beautifully

Having a beautiful stretch of August. Gorgeous days. Breezy evenings. Lots of greenery all around. Time to reflect, to make art, to be inspired. I am full of gratitude.

I think of this blog and know that how ever much I post or don’t right now doesn’t matter. I am reaping the rewards of trusting rest, and I am allowing it to continue to infiltrate. I mean, this is simply how it works, beautifully.

The Body Knows

I haven’t been writing here much, but when I sink in and feel my slightly-under-the-weather feeling, I can tell, I can definitely use some rest.

I’ve been cranking lately. And it’s awesome. And it’s restful to get things done. And I can just tell . . . I need to chillax, be off duty, give myself a break.

There are a few more things ahead of me today. Luckily they are easy and simple and all is well.

I don’t have much to say — just affirming: go with your body, Carina. It knows.

Oh My God I Love Resting So Much

That’s the gist of what I have to say! I am getting some things done, even, but I’m doing them supinely, from my bed, and it feels great!!!!

Last night I wasn’t falling asleep. I didn’t feel stress. I could tell I was resting. But I was awake. I thought about the Vipassana courses where we’re told not to sit up and meditate all night long. That it’s important to lie down and let the body rest, even if you’re not sleeping. So I meditated a bit and chillaxed. Then this morning I was up an hour or more earlier than I judged I wanted to be. I tried to go back down, but realized I was awake and got up and started doing things.

I even made breakfast out of my small bit of grits and an egg. I felt so happy to be home and chilling out.

I felt even happier as I “got some things done” by computer, supinely, as above.

After this typing, I’m feeling lunch, more resting, “doing a few more things.”

Lucky for me, my homework today only requires that I do two minute spurts of things, so that leaves me pretty darned free.

And grateful.