I just had a true nap. Felt so good to let go.
Part of the time I was doing inquiry, as the falling-asleep-state somehow made it easy to rest and look (albeit amidst dozing). Inquiring is actually a nice sort of lullaby, especially while lying down. Things slow down, they flush through, they get felt and not denied, they are allowed to be, to move, to rest.
I’d started the day feeling relaxed and restful, not in a hurry to do anything. I sat on my bed in my nightgown and sewed some books.
Then I noticed I was feeling really tired. My host came home for lunch in between therapy sessions at work, and she brought me a taco, which was awesome. While we ate them together, I felt really wiped out and had the thought that I just wanted to lie down. I noticed — and shared with my friend — that I had some thoughts/feelings about not being fully free to give over to resting. I had some ideas that my friend wouldn’t like it if I was resting while she was working. It was good to share that out loud. I had the feeling (and I was right) that she wasn’t giving me any command not to rest.
I’d also been aware of a bit of a sensation in my body — I almost didn’t notice it — that seemed to be that “keep going” message. “Don’t rest.” Until I noticed it and had a peek. No command not to rest there. Not at all.
I heard later from my bestie who had major surgery less than a week ago. She said she’d been feeling some “Monday” pressure today (and also wasn’t feeling well, as recovering from major surgery will have you do sometimes). I thought about the word MONDAY and wondered if the letters contained a command not to rest?
It was pretty obvious to me that they didn’t because I didn’t even know this day was called Monday.
My host and I were talking the other day about questioning whether resting is actually, totally okay. Is it actually safe, we often wonder.
It’s what this blog is all about.
Through the lens of inquiry, we can look directly into our present experience and find out if anything in it (any thoughts in the form of words, any pictures appearing in our minds, any sensations in our bodies) are actually carrying commands not to rest. Another way of looking at this is to see if there’s a threat in resting. If so, where is it? We check those words/images/and sensations again to see.
The trick to doing this looking, though, is that you have to rest to be able to look. You don’t have to lie down and go to sleep, but you do have to take a few moments to settle into your body and into the sensory experience of the moment.
I can help you look for these things, if you’re interested to see what’s happening for you. I may write about it some more here and/or make a little video to help out. It’s a wonderful way to look because it’s not adding in any thoughts to convince you one way or another. It’s simply slowing down enough to find out what’s actually driving the show here. What’s driving us to keep going, keep going, keep going?
Closing computers helps, which is what I did this afternoon. Full permission to rest. I love my nightgown so much. My bed and sheets are so comfy. It’s quiet around here. I heard the words, “I’m exhausted,” and loved looking into them a bit. I saw that, no, I’m not exhausted. There’s plenty more of me. Just happy to rest. There’s no command not to.
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